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Survivor Smacked Me in the Chops/Transcript

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WARNING: This transcript may have explicit content.

The episode begins with Jeff Probst driving a motorboat sailing across the Caramoan islands.
Probst [Addressing the viewers.] We are in one of the most beautiful and remote locations in the world, the Philippines. Here, thousands of islands scattered over the Southeast Asian sea are home to waters and rainforests filled with countless animals, both beautiful and dangerous. Amidst the serenity of this majestic landscape, furious storms can arrive without warning. It is here where 15 Americans, already divided into three tribes, already begun an adventure of a lifetime.
Scene cuts to show another, larger boat containing the fifteen new castaways.
Jeff K. [In a confessional.] I'm Jeff Kent. I've played 17 years of major league baseball. I played in the World Series where we had screaming fans on their feet with bases loaded. I've seen pressure and this is going to be a challenge for me no doubt, but I'm hoping people won't recognize me.
Zane [In a confessional.] You know, I had people come up to me all the time and ask me about Frankenstein [Zane shows his Frankenstein tattoo on his forearm.]. He picked a little girl a flower. I mean he strangled her after he gave it to her, but still, you know he picked out a flower and I think that's the way I feel about myself is I can strangle you or pick you a flower, it depends on what you pull out of me.
Lisa [In a confessional.] My name's Lisa Whelchel and I played the character of Blair Warner on a show called The Facts of Life [short clips of Lisa show up, depicting her days as an actress]. Blair Warner would never in a million years be on Survivor, but I'm very, very different from Blair. I'm a huge fan of Survivor, I've never missed a show and at this point, I'm not going to say that I was on The Facts of Life as a kid. I'm getting to be just Lisa.
The scene cuts back to Jeff.
Probst [Voice over.] Survivor is the most thrilling adventure game on television; it is also the most dangerous.
A montage of various medical emergencies, injuries, and sicknesses from seasons past is shown.
Probst [Voice over.] Over 24 seasons, many of those who started the game were unable to finish. Pulled from the game with one question in their hearts: What could have been. What these castaways don't know is that three former players are returning for a second shot to finish what they started.
The scene cuts to a smaller boat, containing Jonathan Penner, Russell Swan, and Michael Skupin.
Russell [In a confessional.] The last time I played, Survivor smacked me in the chops, and this time I'm smacking back, and either these people will run with me or I'm gonna have to run them over. That's it.
Jonathan [In a confessional.] I got injured in a challenge. It was awful. You know how on fire I am to win this thing? You know how much I can taste this? And you know how I can actually see it? 39 days from now, I'll make a million dollars.
Michael [In a confessional.] The whole eighteen days that I was on Survivor: The Australian Outback was such an amazing adventure. The Kucha tribe was winning and the killing of the wild boar was a pretty big accomplishment, but I think the world saw that me falling in the fire was my greatest failure. I didn't see it that way. I think to dwell on what if would cheat what the adventure was for me, but I'm in love with the fact that I'm able to come back and do it again.
Probst [Voice over.] Will the veterans have what it takes to be the Sole Survivor? Or will a new castaway emerge to claim the million dollar prize? 39 Days, 18 people, 1 Survivor!
The opening sequence plays.
The scene opens with Jeff Probst boarding the fishing boat to talk to the fifteen new players.
Probst Welcome to Survivor: Philippines. [Castaways cheer.] [Probst talks to Jeff Kent.] Guy in the maroon shirt, what's your name?
Jeff K. Jeff.
Probst What do you make about seeing three tribes, not the normal two?
Jeff K. Panic. You've only got, right now we've only got five teammates. If you're the losing tribe going to Tribal Council, there's going to be a lot of panic going on real quick.
Probst [Probst talks to Zane] Guy right smack dab in the middle. What's your name?
Zane I'm Zane.
Probst Zane, I know you got something to say.
Zane Oh yeah man, I'm happy with the three tribes. As long as it ain't celebrities.
Scene cuts to a visibly concerned Lisa.
Lisa [In a confessional.] I do get recognized a lot and even if only one person recognizes me, that will travel through my tribe, so I really wanna keep this, you know, a secret.
Probst [Probst talks to Roxanne.] Woman in the back with the blue dress.
Roxanne Roxanne.
Probst This is a social game for sure, but it's also a very physically demanding game. Have you seen the toll this game can take?
Roxanne Absolutely.
Probst What's the worst you've seen on this show?
Roxanne A guy passing out in the middle of a challenge, and he just cannot recover and he doesn't want to leave the game at all and even in his delirium, he's like "Please no, no matter what, don't take me out of the game."
Probst Well, over 24 seasons, many players have seen their shot at a million dollars cut short because they had to be evacuated for medical reasons. Three of those players are returning for a second shot, and they will be playing with you.
The boat containing Penner, Russell, and Michael arrives.
Dawson [In a confessional.] Right behind Probst pulls up another boat with previous contestants, and I'm such a huge fan of the show. I'm thinking to myself, "Okay, are you dreaming?"
Probst [Probst introduces Russell.] Russell Swan, Survivor: Samoa, passed out in front of me due to severe dehydration and his heart rate plummeted. Doctors had no choice but to intervene and pull him from the game. [Probst introduces Penner.] Jonathan Penner, in Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites, suffered a life-threatening infection. Much to his disappointment, doctors pulled him from the game. [Probst introduces Skupin] Going all the way back to season two, Survivor: The Australian Outback, Skupin was tending to the fire, took in a little too much smoke, momentarily fainted, hands first into the tribe fire with skin dripping off of his fingers, was airlifted out, pulled from the game. All three of these players were leaders on their tribe, and all three have one thing none of the rest of you have: Experience. [Probst hands Russell a blue buff and a map.] Russell, here is a buff and a map to your new home. You are on the blue tribe [Matsing cheers.]. Your tribe name is Matsing, head over and say hello.
Russell [Walks over to join Matsing.] What's up, family?
Malcolm [Greets Russell.] Malcolm.
Russell Malcolm, what's up man?
Probst [Hands Penner a red buff and a map.] Jonathan Penner, you are on the red tribe. Your tribe name is Kalabaw, go say hello.
Jonathan [Walks over to join Kalabaw.] Hey guys. I'm Jonathan.
Probst [Hands Skupin a yellow buff and a map.] Skupin, that leaves you. Your tribe name is Tandang, go say hello.
Abi-Maria [Hugs Skupin.] Welcome!
Michael [In a confessional.] The yellow tribe caught my eye instantly, and I recognized Lisa from the show that I watched when I was growing up...
Lisa [Introduces herself.] I'm Lisa. I'm a huge fan of yours. [Hugs Skupin.] Yay!
Michael [His previous confessional continues.] ...and her show name, Blair, almost came off my lips.
Abi-Maria [Talks to Skupin.] How are your hands? Let me see them. Are they good?
Artis [Talks to Skupin] We got you covered this time.
Probst Skupin, you are really one of the originals in this game. I mean, season two, what's it feel like to be back here getting another shot?
Michael [Looks at his tribe] It almost feels like it's the first time again. It's amazing to be here, I mean,  I can't even believe it. It's good!
Probst Alright, Hidden Immunity Idols are in play this season. You know what kind of impact they can have on the game. But as always, the question is "Where are they hidden?" Alright, this boat is loaded with supplies that will help make your life a little easier. You have sixty seconds to gather as many supplies as you can, get your raft, and get overboard. Your time starts now.
The three tribes rush to gather their supplies quickly.
Probst There's fruit, there's chickens, there's wood! Get what you want, start getting stuff towards your raft!
Jonathan [Talks to Kalabaw.] Guys, get a machete if you see one! Coconuts!
Penner Penner yelling out instructions.
Pete [Talks to Artis about the Tandang raft.] Take it up! Take it up!
Probst [Cuts to Skupin untying knots.] Skupin untying a lot of knots.
Russell [Talks to Matsing.] Anything with a blade! Any blade, any blade!
Probst Ten seconds left!
Jonathan [Jonathan snaps back at Probst.] Before what happens?
Probst Before you gotta get off the boat, brother! You played this game before!
Jeff K. [Talking to Kalabaw about the raft] Come on bring it, bring it!
Probst Alright, start getting stuff overboard! Drop your rafts!
Jonathan Alright, let's cut it. [Sees Jeff K. getting his leg stuck] Your leg okay buddy?
Probst The red tribe loses everything as their raft goes in. Everybody off this boat! 5..4..3..2..1. Get off!
Jonathan Okay, let's look for the chickens!
Dawson I got him!
Jonathan [Talks to Jeff K. about his leg.] Is it broken, is it twisted?
Jeff K. I heard it popping. I don't know if that was bamboo or my knee, but we'll see.
Jeff K. [In a confessional.] Well we start with returning players from injury, and within the first three minutes, my knee's pinned and I could have possibly torn my MCL, and this is too bad to believe. If my teammates smell blood, they're gonna kick me off this island real fast.
The scene cuts to the Matsing tribe arriving at their beach.
Russell [In a confessional.] There's no doubt about the fact that I am just absolutely thrilled to be here again! I feel blessed.
Russell Welcome home people!
Russell [His previous confessional continues.] So the last time I played this game, I was in this leadership role but this time, the whole leadership ain't gonna happen.
Russell [Talks to his tribe] Alright guys listen. I mean, I've tried to do this leadership thing before. Look what that got me! So, no leaders here, we're all a team.
Russell [Continues confessional.] I don't care what they do. They can vote for a chief, they can vote for two chiefs, they can vote for entire supreme. Whatever it is, I'm not going to be it!
Russell [Continuing his talk with Matsing.] Let's just get this stuff, get it all here, and then we'll figure out what we wanna do.
Russell [Continuing confessional.] My plan is to feel them out and if this leadership thing comes up, throw it at the guy who doesn't realize leadership isn't a good thing because there's always some guy whose an idiot "I think I should be the leader!" "Okay, you're right! You're the man. Oh thank you, my hero!" And just watch them crash and burn. Dummy. [Laughs.]
Russell [Talking to Denise about the bamboo for the shelter.] The idea is, you just want it to just break where's it scored. What I want is just something underneath, and it's going to sit on this. [Talking to Roxanne, who is cutting bamboo.] You usually don't wanna cut on the knuckle.
Roxanne [Sarcastically.] You don't?
Russell [Also sarcastically.] No. The knuckle is the hardest part to cut.
Malcolm [Talking to Angie.] What's Russell want to do, is kind of how today is going.
Angie Yep.
Malcolm Let's do what Russell says, for now. Make him happy, and we'll figure it out later.
Russell [Talking to Angie and Malcolm.] What we'll do is have the fire pit down closer to that part of the tree down there [Points at a tree.].
Angie [Continuing confessional.] Russell keeps telling us that he's not the leader, but he's the one whose sitting there saying "Okay guys, now go take a five minute break, drink some water". It's like okay, we have to listen to him.
Zane [Talking to Russell.] You look like you know what you doing.
Russell [Laughs.]
Angie [Continuing confessional] We do need a leader, but I just feel like we should all just work together, not like for him.
Russell [Talking to Matsing.] Once we kind of get better with this shelter, then we can kind of figure out what we want to do in terms of trying to start this fire. If anybody wants to have at that.
Zane I can. I figured out... [Malcolm cuts him off.]
Malcolm I lived in Micronesia for a year. I've done it before.
Malcolm [In a confessional.] I lived in Micronesia teaching ESL to elementary school kids. I wasn't ruffing at anything like this, but I can do the fire so I can do palm fronds, coconuts, things like that.
Malcolm [Talks to Russell.] Take it real slow and smooth at first, kind of get a feel of what you're gonna be doing.
Angie [Talking to Roxanne.] They're starting fire?
Roxanne Yeah.
Zane Starting to smell.
Malcolm [Talking to Russell.] You got a little smoke, keep going. Atta boy, come on! Let's see it. [Russell shows him the wood.] You're still smoking, we got it!
Zane Oh my damn!
Roxanne [Talks to Angie.] Who's starting the fire?

Cast

Kalabaw Tribe

Tandang Tribe

Matsing Tribe

Other

See also

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